It's a BOY!

Dearest baby, should you ever read this blog and wonder why Momma is so crazy this will hopefully give you the answers you seek.

Yesterday was a VERY emotional day for all of us- we saw you once again, and for the last time, until your official arrival. And we learned MANY things about you: you are INCREDIBLY active (which Momma knew), you are currently in a very awkward position, you DO NOT like showing your face, you are a little boy and are perfect in every measurable way.

Unfortunately I do not have the pictures I had hoped to post of you today because you had your little fists ground into your eyes the entire time we had the ultrasound being performed. The poor technician tried every trick in the book to get you to move but your little hands stayed exactly where you wanted them. So, we do not have any pictures to share. I was sad about that- I was so looking forward to meeting your face!

As for the reaction of "it's a boy" I'll have to say it was met with some mixed reviews. Big brohter Andrew is, of course thrilled. Though he is a little incertain about sharing his room... Daddy was surprised- he had thought you to be a girl. Mommy was so relieved that everything was where it should be and that you appeared very healthy, aside from your strange position in my tummy. Little sister Ellie on the other hand, was extremely upset that you were not the baby sister she had asked for. She very much wanted another girl, and when she was told you were a boy she immediately broke into tears.

I know that she doesn't understand right now, but she will. Let me tell you that as soon as she holds you, feeds you, smells and kisses you, your little sister (or your Momma or Daddy or anyone for that matter) will see nothing but the purely perfect little boy you are and we will love you so much that you'll be bursting with it!

Now comes the oh so difficult part of choosing a name for you, sweet boy. I can only hope that we do you justice...

To Know or not to Know...

The Big Day approaches Baby! In about 48 hours your mom, dad, brother and sister will be headed to the most important date next to your birth- ultrasound day! I have looked forward to this day for so long and this has been such a looong weekend waiting for it!

Our appointment is at 6:15 and we decided to bring Andrew and Ellie along with us because they are about as eager and Mommy and Daddy to find out who you really are in there! I was told by the nice lady who made our appointment that we could get a few 4D images of you if you were cooperative so PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE be good! These images of your little face and hands and feet are all that we have to last us until you arrive in August! That seems so far away...

My purpose in writing to you today is one of catharsis- I need to confess to you that I am a little afraid to find out who you are in there. Of course we love you, we will ALWAYS love you. LOVE doesn't even seem big enough a word for what we feel for you already! But Daddy VERY much wants to know if you are a boy or a girl. I, on the other hand, am afraid to find out for fear that I will be disappointed. Now before everyone judges me, let me explain. YOU are my last baby. The last time I will feel life grow from within me. The last time I will experience the joy of meeting you for the first time after FEELING you for so many months. The last of my sleepless nights spent nursing and cuddling. The last of tiny newborn diapers and baby wipes. The last time encouraging that first smile, first laugh. So many "lasts." And I know that when I hear "It's a boy" or "It's a girl" will be a sad moment for me because there won't be anymore of those. And while I am so excited to be able to KNOW you, name you and pick out cute clothes for you I am sad that your birth will not be one of surprise as I had hoped. But I have to remember Daddy and his feelings too. For him, this is the only way he feels he can know you- to plan for you. I will admit that I DO think you are a boy and I am eager for those days when your little boy's eyes belong only to me-when I am your universe. Such a sweet, sweet fullfillment! And I will admit that I am also secretly wishing for one more round of pink. Of more days of dress up and tea parties and long hair to brush. But there is only one of you in there, so pink or blue it is. But I feel I will always be thinking about one more round of the opposite. It seems so selfish.

I feel GUILTY for feeling this way. The truth is that I wish ONLY for 10 finger and toes and a healthy little body with a big heart. That's all I want. But knowing you are my last makes me wish for more- more pink, more blue. I want to be thrilled by you, not sad that you are my last. So I am focusing on being thankful- for you, for health, for days to come.

Know now sweet one that boy or girl, we will love you beyond words. But don't be surprised if talk comes up now and then about making you into a big brother or sister! :) Though Daddy would give me the moon if he could I think he very much wants to keep you our special child- our final masterpiece. The part that completes us all and makes us a FAMILY of FIVE.

Keep cooking, Kiddo. Next time I write I will hopefully have new pictures of you to post so we can look back on the days when you were so tiny you fit into my belly! LOVE YOU!