After some time has passed I now feel confident enough in writing and celebrating the reason I began this blog: for Midgie. When I found out there could have been two babies but only found one I lost sight of what my goal was, what my hope was- for a healthy baby. And I have that. Midgie is healthy and right on track, due for ultrasound number two on Wednesday February 17th. I mourned the loss of what might have been. I took the time I needed to be sad. And now I am happy, anxious, nervous, thrilled, overjoyed and most importantly, pleased.

Midgie was my goal all along and now that I have found him or her again I won't lose sight of the birth of my precious third and final child. I love you baby. I cannot wait for that first kiss in the delivery room, to hear your first angry cry, see if you have hair like your sister did (SO much!), to see your Daddy's face when he holds you, to nurse you for the first time, to have your tiny little finger wrapped around mine, to gaze into your brand new eyes, to smell your innocent smell, to tackle that first diaper, that first quiet, semi dark night in the hospital when we are alone and you have my complete and utter attention and amazement.

I cannot wait for you to meet your Grammie and Grandpa, your Nana and Papa. I cannot wait for Andrew to look at you but for Ellie to HOLD you- she is so anxious for you to be here! I can't wait to snap you into that HUGE carseat and marvel at how tiny you are. To bring you home and place in you in the sweet bassinet that was your big sister's.

I cannot wait for those midnight cries that bring me to your side and that quiet swallow of you being fed with me holding you tightly. The sign of contentment you'll make when you are dry, warm, fed and LOVED.

I cannot WAIT, sweet baby.

Revelations

And, here we are again. Though this is the "after" blog. Things have changed, and forever will they remain as I remember them.

Ultrasound day. It was wonderful and horrible- unfairly so. On a day when I should have been beyond excited I was nervous. I should have felt joyous, I felt sick. From day one of this pregnancy I have felt "different," "troubled." That something wasn't quite right.

On Thursday, January 21st, I found out I was right.

Routine was just that, routine. Began the ultrsound and before my precious Midgie appeared on the screen my doctor and I stared at the large black mass that surrounds the baby- the placenta. Only THIS placenta was empty. After just a moment Dr. Alexander adjusted her wand to reveal a tiny piece of perfection- another black mass and in it my child. Beating heart, small twitching limbs, beautiful pearl-like spine. I smiled and said simply, "There he is."

But she went back to the mass. And stared. And stared. Until I finally asked, "is that a tumor?" And she told me that no, it was not a tumor. It was the remains of a placenta. All that was left of a twin I would never know. For the moment, I was stunned. A baby, I asked? Maybe she said, it was a "pregnancy". I was just too stunned to speak. I acted, No Big Deal. We didn't really discuss it.

But then the car- I got to my car to realize that I had lost yet another child. That Midgie's twin would never be. That there WERE two babies, now only one.

My heart still aches. And I've heard it all- it wasn't a baby, we don't KNOW if it was a baby, very common, focus on what you DO have. But I still ache.

For WEEKS I have consumed with the thought of twins, only to find out that I was RIGHT. Deep down I knew something was off.

I am trying to be happy, trying to focus on Midgie but I am so filled with "what-ifs". Today I feel full of love, yesterday I felt hollow.

I don't know what else to say, except that that small blank bubble will FOREVER be in my thoughts. That Midgie will come home healthy and we will all become that family I've envisioned. But I cannot forget that baby who, with time , will become part of my body and tissue. Who will help nourish me and help me provide the best for it's twin that has come farther that it was ever given a chance to.

I will remember you, small one. I will.

The Night Before...

So here we are- the night before my last "first" ultrasound and peek at baby number 3. I am so nervous tonight that I can't sleep. So many things are popping when I should be fizzling: will there be one baby or two (like I've been dreaming)? Is there something wrong with me? With baby? Why the exhaustion? The nausea? Will everything look ok? What is my due date? All the common questions.

But then I keep thinking can I do it again? How will Andrew do with this new sibling whom he will call brother or sister, but in reality, will he know him? Andrew starts all day school a few short days after baby is born... will they grow up together? How will this baby effect Ellie? I have no doubt she'll be Momma's helper, sometimes helping a little too much. But will she feel angry? Will she now develop the "middle child syndrome?" She's been our princess for so long, what now?

I used to marvel at Andrew's beauty- he is a beautiful child. And now, he's handsome (woe to me if I call him beautiful). And he's SMART. Smarter than he should be at this age. Is it a sign? I hope so. He is so kind, so loving and so involved in everything... so in tune. I wonder if baby will be like him, like he was. So easy to please, patient, sweet and full of laughter. Andrew was a textbook baby, will our third be like his brother?

Or like Ellie? A princess in so many ways. As a baby she was rough... well put it lightly. She's grown into a little girl now- I cannot even call her a toddler anymore. While Andrew's intellect and genuine attractiveness pull me in for Ellie it's her spirit. Firey yet sweet. I tell everyone that she narrates her way through life- Ellie finds a story in everything. And more importantly, she finds BEAUTY in everything. She can point out the smallest positive and bring it forth so it is all you see. I marvel at HER... who she is and with time and the right people to encourage that light, who she will BE.

But what of our third miracle? Who will he be like? Look like? Forever already named my "baby" he'll stay, but I am so curious to meet this little being who has turned my physical normality into chaos the past few weeks.

That beating heart means so much to me tomorrow... the promise of a dream fullfilled and the hope for the chance to make more memories with the people who make me complete- my family.

I just cannot wait. Outside tonight it is icing- the roads are covered with a slick sheet of ice and snow plows have been busy all evening attempting to lessen the danger outside. Talk among parents is "school tomorrow?" But all I can think of is my appointment at 2pm that will make the change in my life that will take me from mom of two to "family complete. Mission accomplished. Dream come TRUE."

I can't WAIT for you baby.

A rose by any other name...

So it all comes down to this- people can forgive you if you choose to spoil life's biggest secret. They will forgive you if you accidentally "slip" and tell them what you are having. But if you name your kid wrong, Whoaa.... behold the wrath!

Somehow, yesterday "Midgie" was born. Midget AKA "Midgie" is now what we have affectionately calling baby number 3. It's funny because Midget, who we called Midgie, was an EXTREMELY large, bug eyed chihuahua that my aunt and uncle used to have. She was an ok dog, used to perch on Rusty's should like a parrot she loved him so much. But my brother tormented that poor dog by following her around their house singing over and over again, "Midgie Midgie Midgie with the big black eyeballs!" And somehow that is what we have come to call our child!

But in all seriousness, naming is important. I prefer old fashioned names. Jeff of course, seems to like the new age, funky ones. I like names with traditional spelling. I like names that can be spelled and pronounced without help. Jeff likes names that are occupations or inanimate objects. And since both of our other kids have vowel names I think Midgie should too. There have been many fight over these, but somehow we ended up with an Andrew and an Elena. Middle names should have meaning I think- Andrew's is Wyatt and is after his uncle Alan Wyatt who never had any children of his own. Ellie's is Shea, after her Momma. I used to hate it- I now think it's pretty and unique.

So this brings me to my point: my name picks so far. I still maintain that Midgie is a boy but in case I am proven wrong I have choices for both, first and middle names. I don't believe in naming a child until you've seen them, touched them and looked into their eyes. So none of these are definites, but are instead my "likes." I'm sure Jeff will disagree on them all, as he usually does. We'll see what comes of it.

You are who you already are, Little One, and we love you. We'll see who you BECOME...

Boys

Ethan Alexander

Emmett Alan

Ian Robert

Benjamin Allan

Nathan?

Oliver?

Girls

Amelia Grace

Megan Noelle

Charlotte Jean

Emily?

Elizabeth?

Isabella? (ellie's favorite)

Funny Memories

Since this blog is serving as my journal of sorts until I can find one I like enough to record in for the baby, I am hereby notifying all of its readers that I cannot be held responsible for it's quirky and sometimes disturbing entries. Case in point:

While every baby efficiando knows that the more babies the better, I have come to the realization that one at a time is the best route for me and my family. Since discovering I was pregnant I have been CONSUMED with the thought that there may be two little "wombmates" resting in there, safely tucked away until their first picture (scheduled for Jan 21!). Little things that most likely mean nothing have meant so much more- early VERY positive pregnancy test, much more nausea and much earlier too, etc. I have been thinking, "What if, what if?" How will I be able to nurse more than one baby at a time when my two prior attempts have failed at nursing only one at a time (Andrew had a severe dairy allergy and Ellie -stubborn little angel- wouldn't latch properly)? How will we afford cribs, cookies and college for 4 children? Andrew had his day in the sun, as did Ellie to an extent. How will I give each of them the individual attention they need and deserve when I have two (sometimes three) other babies to care for?

So many questions. I have to admit that thought of sleeping in that hospital bed with two little bodies cradled on top of me comes as close to nervana as I could ever imagine. Two smiles, two laughs, two outfits, four tiny baby feet! It's enough to make me giddy! But then reality sets in and I wish for nothing more than a healthy child- one or more, boy or girl, just HEALTHY.

As my gal pals keep saying, "stop worrying!" So I will for now. Until then I anxiously await my first appointment, our first glimpse and my first and last peek at a baby to be- my ultimate goal for the next 8 months.

But the REASON behind all this twin nonsense? Of course, a pregnancy dream. This is how my "twin inkling" first began: I am in the office of my OB- Dr. Alexander whom I ADORE. I would have a baby a year just to keep seeing her. LOVE HER. She begins my first ultrasound and there, on the screen is not one but two perfect little balls of love. Fuzzy and not even baby resembling yet though I see two rhythmic flutterings of two perfect little hearts. I catch my breath and she says, answering an earlier question of why I felt my belly was so big already "Um... because there are two in there, kiddo." I pause, she pauses and then I begin to cry. I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm scared- you name it. Lying there in all my half naked glory I sob my heart out. After what seems like forever she takes my hand like a friend and tells me that I am BLESSED and I calm down and believe her. She is RIGHT. She straightens up and takes on The Doctor Role and tells me that she is happy for me, that everything looks perfect and that she has few concerns for my well being in the next coming months. And then she drops the bombshell...

Because of Andrew's tramatic birth, my fast c section and the baby we lost long ago before our little girl was born I am considered "high risk." Now that I carry twins, that "high risk" goes higher. Dr. Alexander explains gently that I am her 12th patient she has diagnosed this month with having a multiples birth. Because of this, and the risks I now carry, she feels it would be safer to pass me over to her new partner- a doctor not only who specializes in risky pregnancies, but who has a GREAT DEAL of experience with multiples. I am devasted, and she sees this. But I trust her, I LOVE her for all she has done and so I agree to meet the new doctor.

Dr. Alexander smiles and presses a red button next to her. A soft knock at the door tells me that my new savior is coming in to meet me. Not in the most disgnified position imaginable I cover my legs with the flimsy sheet and straighten up as much as possible to greet my new partner in crime and in walks KATE GOSSELIN in a white coat with her belly HUGELY extended telling me, "Hi! I'm having triplets the same week you are delivering! We'll be neighbors in the maternity ward! Until then, you and I are going to be great friends through all of this. Now let's get to work!"

Now tell me, wouldn't YOU be a little nervous at this point?

Today is the FIRST DAY since a week before Christmas that I haven't felt sick all day long! THANK YOU Baby!