Revelations

And, here we are again. Though this is the "after" blog. Things have changed, and forever will they remain as I remember them.

Ultrasound day. It was wonderful and horrible- unfairly so. On a day when I should have been beyond excited I was nervous. I should have felt joyous, I felt sick. From day one of this pregnancy I have felt "different," "troubled." That something wasn't quite right.

On Thursday, January 21st, I found out I was right.

Routine was just that, routine. Began the ultrsound and before my precious Midgie appeared on the screen my doctor and I stared at the large black mass that surrounds the baby- the placenta. Only THIS placenta was empty. After just a moment Dr. Alexander adjusted her wand to reveal a tiny piece of perfection- another black mass and in it my child. Beating heart, small twitching limbs, beautiful pearl-like spine. I smiled and said simply, "There he is."

But she went back to the mass. And stared. And stared. Until I finally asked, "is that a tumor?" And she told me that no, it was not a tumor. It was the remains of a placenta. All that was left of a twin I would never know. For the moment, I was stunned. A baby, I asked? Maybe she said, it was a "pregnancy". I was just too stunned to speak. I acted, No Big Deal. We didn't really discuss it.

But then the car- I got to my car to realize that I had lost yet another child. That Midgie's twin would never be. That there WERE two babies, now only one.

My heart still aches. And I've heard it all- it wasn't a baby, we don't KNOW if it was a baby, very common, focus on what you DO have. But I still ache.

For WEEKS I have consumed with the thought of twins, only to find out that I was RIGHT. Deep down I knew something was off.

I am trying to be happy, trying to focus on Midgie but I am so filled with "what-ifs". Today I feel full of love, yesterday I felt hollow.

I don't know what else to say, except that that small blank bubble will FOREVER be in my thoughts. That Midgie will come home healthy and we will all become that family I've envisioned. But I cannot forget that baby who, with time , will become part of my body and tissue. Who will help nourish me and help me provide the best for it's twin that has come farther that it was ever given a chance to.

I will remember you, small one. I will.